


In A Box

by Arrem



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-12
Updated: 2012-10-26
Packaged: 2017-11-16 04:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/535251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arrem/pseuds/Arrem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanaya was happy but at the same time tired of the happiness Rose brought her and as she sleeps, she dreamed of a troll she thought she had forgotten.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Dream I Had

**Author's Note:**

> For the Founding Member of HSI. Happy birthday, Farhan!
> 
> Oh and in which swearing will not occur since author took an oath. Unfortunately.

Your name is Kanaya Maryam and it's been a crazy ride in the meteor.

The kids have finally arrived into your world and even though it's just two of them, you find their company... very enlightening. You talk and discuss about human customs with the siblings and they have proved to be very intelligent (although the red one gives you headaches from time to time but Terezi likes him so you believe you can put up with him. For her sake at least.)

Rose has gotten really close to you and you can't disguise the pitter-patter feeling of your heart, thumping to the beat.

You know that she likes you too but you've never asked.

You've kissed her.

And she followed suite though a bit surprised at first.

You think this was a good sign. You've never dreamed of the possibility of a troll and human relationship and the thought scared you since somewhere in the back of your mind, you know it won't last, even though you want it to.

You sighed and tried to push the negative thoughts away.

Meeting your ancestor has changed you somehow. You're aware that Porrim has, undeniably,  _mated_ with more trolls than you could ever have counted but that didn't change the fact that you are now (possibly) dating another species entirely. She didn't mind of course and you can even feel a little twinge of jealousy whenever you bring Rose to meet Porrim.

You shake your head again, clearing all the thoughts that are swirling through your mind. Your thinkpan is throbbing with the amount of thought and recollection.

You glance around and you were surprised to find that you made it back to your room even with scattered thoughts.

You place your hand to your temples. All these thoughts are causing your head to mess with you. You approach the nearest recuperacoon and shed your clothes off before going inside with just your undergarments.

The slime enveloped your body and clung to you like a bedsheet. You feel safe in their embrace and for once, you can feel yourself coming undone. Gone was the Kanaya who had to stand strong in front of everyone and all there's left is a little girl, no more than two sweeps old, back in her lusus's embrace. You leave your barriers and before long, maybe it was due to tiredness or perhaps the sopor slime, you fell asleep.

You dream of someone shouting. A cape. A flash.

You woke up in a silent scream.

In the light of the situation that you've been in, you have forgotten of that troll that used to make you smile and cause exasperation to no end.

You've forgotten about your auspitice.

"Eridan."


	2. Mind's Eye

Your name is Kanaya Maryam and you had a nightmare.

You were still inside the recuperacoon, body half buried in the green slime and you were shaking. It has been quite a while for you to be this scared. Sure, when the kids appeared out of nowhere and ancestors started popping up, you did feel a little overwhelmed and anxious but never  _scared_.

And even though you saw first hand how Gamzee's tantrum had nearly killed you all, you had been frightened to the point of action but you have never been scared to act. No, this isn't you. You are Kanaya Maryam the supposedly Space player and you made sure you are not afraid.

You sigh louldy, feeling your heart slowing down and you stepped out from your chambers and went to the nearest washroom to get the nasty slime off of you. You took a quite long shower and you nearly stumbled in shock as you realize that the water had a sea kind of smell.

And you were certain it looked hideously purple for a second there.

You shake your head.

Your nightmare must've shaken you up badly than you thought it would.

You left the shower to retrieve your clothes and dressed quickly, you knew you should've just captchalogued them but you were too tired to even move. The dream suck you up more than you would allow. You hated feeling tired and weak. You may not be the leader, that was Karkat's job, but you have to at least be strong enough for your friends. You help them.

It's your job and it makes you who you are.

_"What if you don't have to help?"_

You dismissed the little beast talk. You have no time to think about that.

You opened the door to your chambers and was greeted by a little punch from Rose. She looked surprised.

"My apologies, Kanaya. I was about to knock, I didn't realize you were about to approach the door..."

You rub your nose gently and smiled at your visitor. She was alone and though her face remaind passive, the little knot on her eyebrows indicate otherwise.

"I don't usually ask dumb inqueries but... are you alright?"

You try to smile through your pointed teeth. It was still a little strained, the memories from the dream haunted you and you wanted nothing more than to talk about it to Rose but for some reason, something made you shake your head and tell her that everything is alright.

"Well, I'm here to inform you that I have found John nearly clobbering our agent Jack in a dream bubble. It's getting late and I should take my leave to the other room..."

You look up to meet her eyes but quickly cast your glance away again.

"If..." Rose shook her head. "Good night Kanaya."

She turned around and walked away. You wanted to call her out but that  _something_ caused you to hold your ground and you closed the door to your room. You looked back at the black expense of your room. It's boring and you miss your old room but... oh well. You looked back at the recuperacoon and you long for sleep but you know it would be inevitable. There's nothing else in the room except for a window.

"Eridan, I swear..." you began but the words were caught in your windtube and you slide down to the floor, clutching your head as darkness slowly advance towards you.

\-----------------------

"How is she?"

"Well, besides looking uncharacteristically pale and fidgety, I dare say she's perfectly fabulous."

"You're being sarcastic again aren't you? Do you not understand the dire consquences of your human sarcasm? No, I don't think so or you would have given me a straight answer. Now so help me, tell me how she really is or I swear to whatever deity out there, Lalonde, you are the worst Seer I've ever encountered."

"I'm the only successful Seer you've encountered, Karkat. I told you her condition and don't you dare presume that I am not worried. There is something in the depths of her conviction right now and it would be well for you not to sought her out and if you  _please_ don't start with me. I am not your enemy, Vantas. I wish to provide assistance to the best of my abilities but if she doesn't wish nor require assitance, I will retract myself,"

The girl sighed deeply and put up a hand in front of her companion just before he talks.

"Don't. I have no clue to what Kanaya is thinking and if it's best, it would be wise to leave her until she sorts everything out."

"You better be right, Lalonde."

Her companion muttered and stalked away, leaving the girl alone in the darkness. She looked back at the transportalizer that would send her directly to the hall and into her friend's room and sighed. This was not going well at all. Something was eating her friend out. Karkat was worried and have threatened her more times than not that if something happens to Kanaya, it would be her fault but she always countered his arguments, leaving him stump and stalking off to find something better to do. Rose wanted to return to Kanaya's room and demand an answer.

But Rose was intelligent and being intelligent means that she had to respect others privacy.

Even if it means that they would be in danger to themselves.


	3. Words In My Mind

You blink and try to get feeling back in your body.

Once.

Twice.

The room was dark, devoid of all light and you're aware that you forgot to turn it on. Which was strange because... Was the light off even when...

When... what?

You shake your head. You can't remember anything. You clutch your head for support and felt a low buzz. This is not looking good.

You try to stand but end up falling again.

You tried once. Twice. Until you're finally able to support your own weight. You look around the room for a switch to turn the light on and after feeling the wall a few times, you finally found the button. You pound the switch harder than you mean to and light blasted from the ceiling, giving the room a little colour and expertly bashing the shadows away.

You feel relieved.

Your head didn't stop hurting but at least you can see around your room now. Everything looks normal and you feel so much better.

But you have not forgotten about your dream.

The dream about Eridan.

When you sliced him in half.

Part of you were cheering "Justice!" but the other part, the part you don't normally let people see, screamed in agony as the unshed tears broke your heart. You didn't know why you felt that way but no matter how angry you were, you didn't feel that it was worth his death. You came back after all. There was no way that sea dweller would live and yet you chose to kill him. You regret it to this day but you will never admit how close to being red you are for him.

The dream made it worse. It looked so real and almost comical.

You could see the shock, clear as day, on Eridan's face and how he didn't seem to understand what was happening all of a sudden. His face changed into anger, which was rightfully so, but just before he hit the ground and before his eyes close, you see that expression of serenity washing over his face. He was going to die and he was still Eridan but you've never seen him with that face before. Time seemed to slow down and you heard a shriek or shout from behind but you couldn't remember who made it. You risked a look towards Eridan and saw that his mouth moved. He made the faintest whisper.

"Thank you."

Those words were your undoing. You shrieked in silence as you realized what he said but before you can say what, his body halves fell to the ground and that was the end of Eridan. 

But you know that wasn't exactly the end. Eridan still lives. He doesn't live in flesh and blood but in your thoughts and it's driving you horridly mad. You can't think of anything but his words.

Of all the things he could've said, of all the swear words he could've used, of all  **WORDS** he could've uttered, he chose to admit that he's grateful.

For what you have no clue. For killing him? For finally giving him peace? For making his death just and not stupid? For cutting him in half in front of his friends? For avenging Feferi, the Matriorb and knocking Sollux out?

You tried screaming once more but your windtube is still horribly dry. You want him gone from your mind. Your eyes burn and you realize that you are crying. You sob silently as the tears rolled and dripped slowly down to the floor. You saw how your hands shiver and shake, the way your body convulsed with mental pain, the sudden taste of salt on your mouth

The way your heart was ripped from your body, once more, by two little words.

Once more by Eridan.

\------------------------------------

"Kanaya?"

You stirred but didn't go towards the door.

"Kanaya..."

The voice was pleading but you made no move to go to it.

"Kanaya, please let me enter your room."

You sighed and stayed on the floor.

"Kanaya, dammit, open the door this instance! Or else I'll swear I'll use all the force I have bestowed upon me to charge this door open and I really hope you're not considering me do it because I will do it. Now so help me, open the damn door!"

You knew who it was but refused to acknoledge the voice.

"Karkat, please. Our visit is to assist her, not to annoy her with your blatant shouting. Please stop pounding, you're giving me a terrible headache."

"Kanaya," now the soft voice was directed towards you and you groan mentally.

You take a deep breath and adjust yourself. You smother your clothes and applied a little make up, making sure that they won't notice that you've been crying.

You rocked your recuperacoon a few times and the slime made a sloshing sound, as if someone was leaving it. You took your shoes off and dipped your right foot into the slime, then your left, making sure to leave faint marks as you head towards the door to your respiteblock, briefly glancing towards the mirror and making sure you look tired and annoyed because they've disturbed your rest.

You opened the door slowly and was greeted by two figures.

The one on the right stood straight and clutched a thick book, possibly the Grimoire. Besides the heavy knitted eyebrows, her face was devoid of all expression.

The one on the left was different. He had a look of fury and it seemed to take all his patience to not explode. He was crossing his arms and he glared when you decided to pop your head out.

"What is all this disturbance about? What time is it?"

You pretend to yawn and stretch and look at them groggily.

"Well, it is quite la--"

"It is not motherf--"

"It **is** late." The girl demanded and glared at the boy to her right. _  
_

The troll scowled and glared at the girl before returning his gaze towards you. You look at him steadily, once in a while blinking rapidly, trying to make it seem like you're groggy. You didn't meet your eyes towards Rose. You know that the instant her eyes lock on yours, the defence you build up will falter and you'll tell her everything. After what seemed to be a long moment of you acting like you're tired, Karkat seemed to have had enough of glaring.

"Come on, Lalonde, it's no use talking to her when she's in this state."

Ignoring him, Rose stepped forward and placed a cool hand on your cheek, bringing your face towards her and for a second there, her face contorted into worry and a smile appeared on her face. You take it as a sign that Rose understands that this is your battle and you want to fight it alone.

"We bid you good night. Have a restful piece of mind."

And with that Rose left with Karkat trailing behind her.

\------------------------------------

You closed the door and gave a loud sigh. You look at your recuperacoon and decided that it would be time to sleep, if your mind was merciful that is.

You shed your clothes and move towards the recuperacoon before lowering yourself down to the green slime. You sink slowly inside and the slime welcomes you with open arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to doubt this fic and my inability to write it... unfortunately.


	4. Delighted Salute

_A cape fluttering in the breeze..._

_A pair of glasses askew..._

_Two body halves lying on opposite ends..._

_A gleaming chainsaw with purple blotches..._

_Panting... Heaving... Dead._

\-------------------------------

You struggle out of the recuperacoon and looked around. Your room was dull but not messy. Like a big grey thing appeared and whisked all the colour away.

You changed your clothes and made your way to a certain room.

A room you've been avoiding but figured that it has been a while since  _that_ night. You figured you could take a peek.

It was neither day or night in outer space and your sleeping clock has screwed up so badly that you can't tell how late or early it was.

You made your way down the hall.

Your skirt flowing past you as your shoes go  _click click click_ on the pathway. You were careful not to go down the halls that might be populated with people. You've heard thof shuffling shoes belonging to a certain Dave Strider and a soft  _tap tap tap_ of a cane belonging to who else but Ms. Pyrope.

You made your way carefully. Karkat nor Rose must not know about your exploits.

After a while, you're finally in front of a door you remembered so well. There was a sign on the door and you, out of habit or politeness, knocked once. 

You waited for the answer that never came and waited for a moment before entering the room. The door was unlocked and the only furniture in the room didn't appear to have been touched. The only indication that you were in the right room was the colour and the sign on the door.

You sat down on a piece of furniture await bought for a moment.

"Hello Eridan," you began.

It sounded weird and awkward to be talking to a room but you concluded that it was the best thing to do. To voice your fears will help you forget them after all.

"I will not begin by saying how much I miss you. No I will never admit that. Not to the likes of you. I am not here to congratulate you on your achievements. I am, however here to tell you how irresponsible, rude and stupid you were.

I am--was your auspitice so that you don't go killing Vriska off before the game. Both of you are now dead so I believe it's alright for you to try and kill yourselves. I won't be there to advice you both anyway.

Eridan, it was stupid of you to join Jack Noir. How could you? He was the enemy! No matter how powerful he is, evil will always be detained. The good always prevails. I understand that you wanted what was best for you but you should've realized that Feferi wouldn't--couldn't, come with you.

Do you know how sad she was when she finally thought he has had enough? It might've been heartless for her to actually break your alliegience through chat but you should realize how hard it could to talk you through things. You were annoying, obnoxious, rude and very very Eridan."

A tear slid down.

"Your death was inevitable though I won't blame you. Feferi and Sollyx, along with I, took the first attack and you simply countered. I felt sick when I gave you your wand that day. I knew something was about to happen but I just never dreamed of it.

I apologize. I made you a murderer. That's science wand had no power whatsoever. It was powered through hate or whatever magic that exists. I don't remember. I don't want to remember.

You were an insufferable prick, more so than Dave. Obnoxious and selfish; continuously fighting with the Thief of Light. It took me all the patience in the world and three and a half of sanity to just babysit you."

You felt the anger rising up, the fact that no matter how hard you try, those two will never see the way you loved them, the way you forced limb upon limb, mind upon mind, to be of their best interest. To keep them from killing each other. It was hard and not appreciated.

The floor had little puddles of jade tears and you wiped your hand over your eyes to stop a little.

"I loved you, Eridan. But you only had eyes for Feferi. I hated killing you but it was a must. You tried to kill me and broke the matriorb, sacrificing all of us. Our race is dying and it e's your fault.

I loved you, Eridan. And I will always love you."

\----------------------------------

You walked away from his room. You have had enough. The feeling won't leave want you didn't want Rose to suffer. Enough is enough.

You go to the main place, the middle of the meteor and found the girl reading a book.

"Rose,"

The girl looked up.

"I can't do this anymore. I never really did love you, I realize tha--"

"I understand and I'm fully aware. Your heart belongs to a certain seadweller, someone I had no fond memories of, but regardless, someone you love. I am aware that this won't work, Kanaya. I am human and you are troll. It is strange.

I am, however, glad that you found where your heart lies. Run along now, I have quite some serious reading to do."

Rose smiled at you and you felt your shoulders relax. Your heart fluttered and the air wasn't as depressed anymore.

You hugged Rose and left the room.

Eridan may be gone from this life, but he will constantly be there to annoy you.

And you could swear you smelled sea salt and a ring of laughter filled the air.


End file.
